Sunday, August 23, 2009

My letter to no one.

I don't remember how it feels like to feel... normal. For years I've kind of been depressed the majority of the time. It doesn't look like it, because I try to transmit optimism that I sorely lack to other people. I don't really know why I am like this, I don't really have any problems that could make me this way. I love my parents and my brother, no matter what; I adore my friends, who I think care about me (I will get to why I don't say I know); I do well in school, or at least better than average... So why could I be this way?

Ever since I was twelve, I've had some suicidal thoughts, probably because I had a reality check and didn't like it. I've looked out of the window and thought 'Maybe I should just jump. Not like anybody would care...' Then throughout the 7th and the 8th grade, I kind of didn't feel like I belonged with my friends, I felt like nobody really got me, I felt misunderstood. But I guess many people feel that way. But I wasn't suicidal. I was actually kind of cheery and optimistic compared to lately.

By the time I was in the 9th grade, I began to feel like I belonged with my friends, and this became stronger in the 10th grade when I began to discover who I really was, although I think my journey hasn't ended yet and I'm still prone to change. 10th grade I began to feel love again. In the 11th, I never felt more depressed and happy at the same time because of it. Rejection had its advantages, but it's still not an easy thing to take. But my suicidal tendencies didn't return because of that.

Sure love played it's role, but I think I just care too much about people. I listen to others and try my best to comfort them, and sometimes, involuntarily, I get dragged into their problems. And I sometimes don't know anymore if that's the only thing people really think of me: as the person who is there always to listen and to give words of wisdom, when all she feels is like she wants to end her life! I love helping people, but then I feel like if I were gone, I wouldn't make a difference.

And that's why I'm not sure if my friends really care about me. I love them, don't take this wrong, and they are probably the only people in the world, besides my family, I'd do anything to never see them the same way I am. But I can't really help can I? What good can I do? Apparently all I'm good at is creating more drama and being egocentric. Fuck, I don't really know if I died if I would make a difference. I'd like to die and see who would cry for me and how would people react, then come back to life and maybe, just maybe, I would be sure again. Sometimes the only thread keeping me from trying something stupid is my family, because I know my parents and my brother would take it the hardest.

But people think I am very good at giving advice, when the reality is: I don't know much. You ask me about love, and all I can tell you is about my delusions and broken hearts. You ask me reasons to live, and all I can tell you is phony bullshit because that's exactly what I need. You talk to me about your problems, when I already feel so low, feel worthless and sometimes don't know why I care so much. I'm probably worse off than you. I probably am dumb and I'm just pouring out my sorrow onto you, like at this precise moment.

I don't like who I am, I don't think I'm a good friend, I don't think I matter.

And I try not to cry, because I want to be strong for others. I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to fight, I don't want to give up and I don't want people to think I even think of giving up. I smile, I laugh, I tell you to do the same. I want to see you happy. But I don't really know what I can do to feel happy.

I try so hard to think another way, but then I dig myself a deeper hole, whether with my own problems or other people's problems.

I am too ambitious. I want all my dreams to happen. I dream a lot. I dream about writing and nothing makes me happier than seeing people reacting and writing is my way of escaping whatever I'm feeling at that moment. I often watch people's reactions while they read or watch a movie that I've already watched. It's something that fascinates me. I want to leave my mark. But that is too ambitious of me, and I doubt it will ever happen. But I won't give up on it.

And no one's advice can really help me, because no matter how many people have been through the same, I always feel like I'm alone in this, and nothing you can do or say will help me. I'm a lost case. If you hate me, I say I don't care, but I feel hurt, if I care about you. If you insult me, I'm too numb to feel the insults sting me, 'cause I've heard too many insults throughout my life that I can't even feel bad about them. If you love me, I probably might doubt it, and I don't know why.

I guess you're probably sick of hearing about me, but I just felt like writing this. Yes, it's probably egocentric. And maybe I am selfish. Maybe I'm a liar. Maybe I'm fake. I don't really know anymore. I don't like who I am. I lie to protect others and others hate me for it. I pretend I'm strong and fine and others think I actually am like that. Tell me, who am I?

I'm going to end this now. I think I've said it all.

1 comment:

  1. ok antes demais tou um boacdo arrepiada e segundo meus deus, tu não fazes ideia do que vales! a sério natacha toda a gnte que está contigo vê o quanto incrivel tu és menos tu, a sério e tu dás conselhos como ninguém e és amiga, mas acho que às vezes deves simplesmente pensar em ti primeiro, se faz parte de ti ajudares os outros acho qeu deves ajudar te a ti primeiro, porque isso também é importante... e aliás aprendea gostar de ti mesma, tu é que me ensinaste que não faz mal ser diferente, que ser diferente é melhor que ser simplesmente mais uma pessoa..
    e eu acredito que pessoas como tu fazem a diferenca :)

    adoro te