Saturday, January 16, 2010

Who Am I?

"Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film, will it mean that it's the end and I'm alone?"
- Mark Cohen (Rent) -

I often find myself wondering who I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm strong and confident about my identity, about my beliefs, but, in reality, I question what I really am, as I'm constantly changing. I look at photos and remnants of who I've been and, sometimes, I can't recognize myself. I read my old journals and wonder who wrote them. I look at the pictures of myself as a kid: vain and proper. And I can't know for sure that I actually used to be that person.

And now, here I am: at the very bottom of the ladder of self-esteem and tremendously stubborn to admit any talent I may have.

Setting aside that issue, I also wonder what exactly do I do to contribute to society, to leave my mark. Isn't that the point of existence? I find myself being a mere spectator to life, rather than living it. I live behind my notebook and my stories are sort of diaries for my deepest confessions, which I don't dare utter. But all around me, I see people actually living their teen years, going through stuff teens usually go through, and I just watch, I just stand aside, neutral, a mediator, a witness, a nobody. If people asked me what I went through in my teen years that I hadn't experienced before, all I can say is a broken heart which resulted of unrequited love.

I don't know if you know the musical "Rent", but I can relate to the character Mark. He uses his work to disguise his solitude and numbness. In my case, I use my writing to disguise my unhappiness. We're both alone and we both usually act as they gray area that is in the middle of a battle field. In "Rent", when Mimi and Roger fight, Roger attacks Mark, though he only tries to help. I often find myself in that position.

But back to the question: who am I?

I could give you the most cliché answer: I am me. But the truth is, I'm not exactly unique or original. I like movies, songs, shows that many people like. My style isn't exactly mine, as TV, books, movies all played a part in building my taste in fashion. I inspire myself, when I write, in literary geniuses. So in the end, all I am is another piece of the society puzzle. What truly defines me are my life experiences, my friendships, my family and my home, because I am not original. "Nothing of me is original. I am a combined effort of everybody I've ever known," like Chuck Palahniuk says in his book "Invisible Monsters".

Oh and before you think I'm sad right now, I'm actually sincerely fine at the moment as I write this (:

Just one of those philosophical moments I tend to have...