Who Am I?

"Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film, will it mean that it's the end and I'm alone?"
- Mark Cohen (Rent) -

I often find myself wondering who I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm strong and confident about my identity, about my beliefs, but, in reality, I question what I really am, as I'm constantly changing. I look at photos and remnants of who I've been and, sometimes, I can't recognize myself. I read my old journals and wonder who wrote them. I look at the pictures of myself as a kid: vain and proper. And I can't know for sure that I actually used to be that person.

And now, here I am: at the very bottom of the ladder of self-esteem and tremendously stubborn to admit any talent I may have.

Setting aside that issue, I also wonder what exactly do I do to contribute to society, to leave my mark. Isn't that the point of existence? I find myself being a mere spectator to life, rather than living it. I live behind my notebook and my stories are sort of diaries for my deepest confessions, which I don't dare utter. But all around me, I see people actually living their teen years, going through stuff teens usually go through, and I just watch, I just stand aside, neutral, a mediator, a witness, a nobody. If people asked me what I went through in my teen years that I hadn't experienced before, all I can say is a broken heart which resulted of unrequited love.

I don't know if you know the musical "Rent", but I can relate to the character Mark. He uses his work to disguise his solitude and numbness. In my case, I use my writing to disguise my unhappiness. We're both alone and we both usually act as they gray area that is in the middle of a battle field. In "Rent", when Mimi and Roger fight, Roger attacks Mark, though he only tries to help. I often find myself in that position.

But back to the question: who am I?

I could give you the most cliché answer: I am me. But the truth is, I'm not exactly unique or original. I like movies, songs, shows that many people like. My style isn't exactly mine, as TV, books, movies all played a part in building my taste in fashion. I inspire myself, when I write, in literary geniuses. So in the end, all I am is another piece of the society puzzle. What truly defines me are my life experiences, my friendships, my family and my home, because I am not original. "Nothing of me is original. I am a combined effort of everybody I've ever known," like Chuck Palahniuk says in his book "Invisible Monsters".

Oh and before you think I'm sad right now, I'm actually sincerely fine at the moment as I write this (:

Just one of those philosophical moments I tend to have...

Happy Holidays!

Woah! I haven't posted a blog in ages! I've been busy at school, going out with friends, writing and reading (a lot)... But I'm back! My senior year is going good so far and I'm so psyched about going to college in a couple of months, but I'm also nervous: it will be the first time I'll leave my hometown, leave my family for many months on end. It will be also the first time I'm going to have to adapt to a new place and get to know more people, as I'm going to a town I've only been twice on holidays.

Anyway, that aside: MERRY CHRISTMAS! It's Christmas Eve and I'm at home with my family and I wish you all have a very happy Christmas and get lots of presents, hugs and kisses :)

2009 is almost over and what an amazing year it has been. Sure there were some worse moments, but overall, it's been a great year. The Summer of '09 was one of my favorite ones and you got to follow me through it through my blog. Time seems to go by so fast and when we look back at it, there are so many great and even some not so great moments, and you can't help being amazed at how far you've come.

"Tempus fugit" something I learned in Portuguese this year about the philosophy of Ricardo Reis. Time flies. It's true. One moment we're in the beginning of our High School years and thinking you have all the time in the world to make your decisions; the next moment you're already halfway through your senior year and your future just doesn't seem so far away.

2010, for me, will mean a lot of things: new beginnings (in every meaning of the word), new adventures and, as always, discovering something new about myself in this long journey I'll endure my entire life, trying to find out who I am.

So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)
"Let's hope it's a good one without any fear" :D

Last year.

It feels weird to arrive at school on the first day and realizing it's the last first day you'll ever have at that school and at high school in general. It's weird to know that will be your last year at the school as well. You're a finalist, a senior! Twelve years of hard work and your education, in the school you've been for all those twelve years, is almost over... I'm anxious and surprised simultaneously: anxious, 'cause this year I have a pretty good schedule and some pretty cool subjects - what better way to end high school could there be?; and surprised at how time flies and we don't get a grasp of it until the very last seconds.

Passion.

I sometimes see people who dream about being singers, actresses, dancers, etc, since they were little kids. I would be lying if I said I always wanted to be a writer. It might be my passion now, but I wasn't always too fond of writing. As a kid, I always dreamed of being some sort of entertainer: dancer, singer, actress... - but all of that was shattered when my confidence vanished. I guess people telling you over and over that you're not good looking enough and don't sing well and don't act well, sometimes can make you believe that what they say is true and therefore, to you, it becomes a fact and not just a subjective observation made by a person. After those dream jobs, the other jobs I dreamed of having also had nothing to do with my current passion: teacher, flight attendant, archeologist, etc.

Although my love for literature was a late bloomer, for as long as I can remember I've loved telling stories or making up stories. I always had a very vivid imagination, I guess. As a little girl, I'd spend hours playing with Barbies and all other sorts of dolls, making up stories. I always loved movies, so most of my ideas had a lot to do with movies that I watched. When I was in primary school, I developed a love for drawing and people sometimes praised me for my drawings, even though I still don't think my drawings are anything special. I still remember my first grade teacher insulting me, because to fill the sky in my drawing, I drew a small cloud. This love for drawing kind of made me come up with a comic book story and characters. I called it 'La Cucaracha'. I even thought about become a comic book artist, but that idea didn't last long.

After this, when I was in the 4th grade, I was very bored one day, and grabbed some papers, a few pencils and began writing a small twelve page book complete with illustrations. I just remember it was a sadistic story that happened in an island. I kind of liked writing it, but it wasn't until the 6th grade that I picked writing up again.

Like I've said before, I wasn't always too keen on reading / writing. It wasn't until we were asked to read a book in the 6th grade and do a report on it, that I actually began reading books. I started with teen / children fiction books - some books I probably would never read now. And that was when my love for reading began. In the 7th grade, a friend of mine and I began a book in portuguese called 'Cleo', which was the first out of the three or four part saga we had originally planned. We only wrote the first and half of the second before we stopped.

Once again, after that, I kind of abandoned writing and thought about becoming a fashion designer or a lawyer, but once again those dreams never really stuck around. I only went back to writing towards the end of the 8th grade / beginning of the 9th grade, when I began writing a story which I never finished. It made me realize that I still loved writing, so throughout the 9th grade, I began writing a lot, specially fanfiction.

Fanfiction was actually the main reason I began falling in love with writing again, and I decided to move on to my own original fiction again. Now my current dream is to be a published writer and I'm going to do anything to fight for that. I realized that writing was the only dream I knew I could fight for and I've gained more confidence in myself and in my own stories and poems ever since I began writing again. Whenever I come up with a new idea, I feel this happiness and adrenaline I rarely feel. For some reason, I feel like I have so much to say to the world and writing is kind of an outlet in that aspect.

Actually, I don't want to sound pretentious, but I want to be the next Arthur Rimbaud.
His writing amazes me in every possible way. He is definitely my biggest inspiration in writing. I can't judge my own work, so I can't tell if it's amazing or just average, but I can't see myself doing anything in my life that doesn't involve writing. I've to picture myself in every other dream job I 've had, and I just don't think it's right for me. My other dream is related to writing: traveling the world and find inspiration in other places and cultures.

I guess my passion has always been storytelling, but now I've finally found my way to express that passion.

Momentary happiness has a price...

...writer's block!

-facepalm-

Prescription.

Diagnosis:
self-deprecating

  /ˈsɛlfˈdɛprɪˌkeɪtɪŋ/
–adjective
belittling or undervaluing oneself; excessively modest.

Prescription:
confidence

  /ˈkɒnfɪdəns/
-noun
belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.

Serious Message.

B I T C H .

You're not Willy Wonka.

I had to say it :3
Can't be depressing all the time D: