perfect photograph

a photograph is a captured memory. a memory you can look back at and remember how your mood, your life, how you were at that exact moment.

ever felt like you just had the most amazing moment in your entire life, a moment of such beauty and fulfillment that just made you think "this is it - it just can't get any better than this"? that moment that no matter where you are in time. past. present. future. that moment - that very moment captured in your glistening eyes - it's the climax of your life.

a moment that would've been the perfect photograph.

it's all

downhill

from that point on.

so why have that moment? why get to the best moment if everything that comes after will no longer bring you the once awaited smile of surprise? why settle for just one perfect moment instead of several good ones? why? because either way we will never be fully satisfied. that so called climax is as well an illusion of ours. sure, it might even be your peak, but you will still want more.

it's just in our nature.

even the most modest mouse would like some more cheese after tasting some of it. we will never settle for what we already have. and if we do, we are never fully satisfied.

i haven't captured any moment which i deem "the perfect photograph", but i'm sure this search will end just the way it started.

- incomplete photographer.

n e v e r

never have i been surrounded by so many people with similar tastes and interests as me

and yet

never have i felt so alone.

sweet cupcakes

I felt like I needed to put something cheery and awesome on the title to contrast with the slightly decadent posts I used to post. Aren't sweet cupcakes an awesome title?

Ok, moving on...

It's been ages since I've last visited and posted anything on this blog. and as I read my old posts, sure I identify myself in some of them, but damn I used to be much more pessimistic! I think I'm gonna start posting again, as I do miss writing and haven't got the time or inspiration lately for fiction.

This shall be the first post of many, which shall start sometime this week.

i am :

a girl; a teenager; a history nerd; a math lover; a movie enthusiast; a music addict; a compulsive writer; an avid reader; a terrible singer; a friend who is always there when you need her, a dog lover; a student; a how i met your mother and madmen fan; a comic book lover; a terrible video game player; an artist; a person with low self-esteem; an agnostic; a skeptic; a glass half-empty girl; a person who wants to explore the world and find the place where she belongs; a youtube addict; talkative; a person who fights for what she believes in; a nonconformist; a girl who is used to having her heart broken but it still hurts when it happens again; a hopeless romantic; weird; curious; a color green lover; a big sister; a mask wearer; a person with terrible fashion style; a brunette; a dreamer; a vitamin water addict; a hard worker; ambitious; driven; determined; a nerd; portuguese and filipina; a poetry lover; a nonbeliever (in terms of eternal love, religion and everything supernatural); a card games player.

i am
ME.
still trying to figure out who i am.

Who Am I?

"Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film, will it mean that it's the end and I'm alone?"
- Mark Cohen (Rent) -

I often find myself wondering who I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm strong and confident about my identity, about my beliefs, but, in reality, I question what I really am, as I'm constantly changing. I look at photos and remnants of who I've been and, sometimes, I can't recognize myself. I read my old journals and wonder who wrote them. I look at the pictures of myself as a kid: vain and proper. And I can't know for sure that I actually used to be that person.

And now, here I am: at the very bottom of the ladder of self-esteem and tremendously stubborn to admit any talent I may have.

Setting aside that issue, I also wonder what exactly do I do to contribute to society, to leave my mark. Isn't that the point of existence? I find myself being a mere spectator to life, rather than living it. I live behind my notebook and my stories are sort of diaries for my deepest confessions, which I don't dare utter. But all around me, I see people actually living their teen years, going through stuff teens usually go through, and I just watch, I just stand aside, neutral, a mediator, a witness, a nobody. If people asked me what I went through in my teen years that I hadn't experienced before, all I can say is a broken heart which resulted of unrequited love.

I don't know if you know the musical "Rent", but I can relate to the character Mark. He uses his work to disguise his solitude and numbness. In my case, I use my writing to disguise my unhappiness. We're both alone and we both usually act as they gray area that is in the middle of a battle field. In "Rent", when Mimi and Roger fight, Roger attacks Mark, though he only tries to help. I often find myself in that position.

But back to the question: who am I?

I could give you the most cliché answer: I am me. But the truth is, I'm not exactly unique or original. I like movies, songs, shows that many people like. My style isn't exactly mine, as TV, books, movies all played a part in building my taste in fashion. I inspire myself, when I write, in literary geniuses. So in the end, all I am is another piece of the society puzzle. What truly defines me are my life experiences, my friendships, my family and my home, because I am not original. "Nothing of me is original. I am a combined effort of everybody I've ever known," like Chuck Palahniuk says in his book "Invisible Monsters".

Oh and before you think I'm sad right now, I'm actually sincerely fine at the moment as I write this (:

Just one of those philosophical moments I tend to have...

Happy Holidays!

Woah! I haven't posted a blog in ages! I've been busy at school, going out with friends, writing and reading (a lot)... But I'm back! My senior year is going good so far and I'm so psyched about going to college in a couple of months, but I'm also nervous: it will be the first time I'll leave my hometown, leave my family for many months on end. It will be also the first time I'm going to have to adapt to a new place and get to know more people, as I'm going to a town I've only been twice on holidays.

Anyway, that aside: MERRY CHRISTMAS! It's Christmas Eve and I'm at home with my family and I wish you all have a very happy Christmas and get lots of presents, hugs and kisses :)

2009 is almost over and what an amazing year it has been. Sure there were some worse moments, but overall, it's been a great year. The Summer of '09 was one of my favorite ones and you got to follow me through it through my blog. Time seems to go by so fast and when we look back at it, there are so many great and even some not so great moments, and you can't help being amazed at how far you've come.

"Tempus fugit" something I learned in Portuguese this year about the philosophy of Ricardo Reis. Time flies. It's true. One moment we're in the beginning of our High School years and thinking you have all the time in the world to make your decisions; the next moment you're already halfway through your senior year and your future just doesn't seem so far away.

2010, for me, will mean a lot of things: new beginnings (in every meaning of the word), new adventures and, as always, discovering something new about myself in this long journey I'll endure my entire life, trying to find out who I am.

So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)
"Let's hope it's a good one without any fear" :D

Last year.

It feels weird to arrive at school on the first day and realizing it's the last first day you'll ever have at that school and at high school in general. It's weird to know that will be your last year at the school as well. You're a finalist, a senior! Twelve years of hard work and your education, in the school you've been for all those twelve years, is almost over... I'm anxious and surprised simultaneously: anxious, 'cause this year I have a pretty good schedule and some pretty cool subjects - what better way to end high school could there be?; and surprised at how time flies and we don't get a grasp of it until the very last seconds.